282. For I have been in my preaching, especially…

282. For I have been in my preaching, especially when I have been engaged in the doctrine of life by Christ, without works, as if an angel of God had stood by at my back to encourage me: Oh! it hath been with such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul, while I have been labouring to unfold it, to demonstrate it, and to fasten it upon the conscience of others; that I could not be contented with saying, I believe, and am sure; methought I was more than sure (if it be lawful to express myself) that those things which then I asserted, were true.

283. When I first went to preach the word abroad, the doctors and priests of the country did open wide against me. But I was persuaded of this, not to render railing for railing; but to see how many of their carnal professors I could convince of their miserable state by the law, and of the want and worth of Christ: for, thought I, This shall answer for me in time to come, when they shall be for my hire before their face. Gen. xxx. 33.

284. I never cared to meddle with things that were controverted, and in dispute among the saints, especially things of the lowest nature; yet it pleased me much to contend with great earnestness for the word of faith, and the remission of sins by the death and sufferings of Jesus: but I say, as to other things, I should let them alone, because I saw they engendered strife; and because that they neither in doing, nor in leaving undone, did commend us to God to be His: besides, I saw my work before me did run into another channel, even to carry an awakening word; to that therefore did I stick and adhere.

285. I never endeavoured to, nor durst make use of other men’s lines, Rom. xv. 18 (though I condemn not all that do), for I verily thought, and found by experience, that what was taught me by the word and Spirit of Christ, could be spoken, maintained, and stood to, by the soundest and best established conscience; and though I will not now speak all that I know in this matter, yet my experience hath more interest in that text of scripture, Gal. i. 11, 12, than many amongst men are aware.

286. If any of those who were awakened by my ministry, did after that fall back (as sometimes too many did), I can truly say, their loss hath been more to me, than if one of my own children, begotten of my own body, had been going to its grave: I think verily, I may speak it without any offence to the Lord, nothing has gone so near me as that; unless it was the fear of the loss of the salvation of my own soul. I have counted as if I had goodly buildings and lordships in those places where my children were born; my heart hath been so wrapped up in the glory of this excellent work, that I counted myself more blessed and honoured of God by this, than if He had made me the emperor of the Christian world, or the lord of all the glory of the earth without it! Oh these words! He which converteth the sinner from the error of his way, shall save a soul from death. James v. 20. The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life; and he that winneth souls is wise. Prov. xi. 30. They that be wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament, and they that turn many to righteousness, as the stars for ever and ever. Dan. xii. 3. For what is our hope, or joy, or crown of rejoicing? Are not even ye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at His coming? For ye are our glory and joy. 1 Thes. ii. 19, 20. These, I say, with many others of a like nature, have been great refreshments to me.

287. I have observed, that where I have had a work to do for God, I have had first, as it were, the going of God upon my spirit, to desire I might preach there: I have also observed, that such and such souls in particular, have been strongly set upon my heart, and I stirred up to wish for their salvation; and that these very souls have, after this, been given in as the fruits of my ministry. I have observed, that a word cast in, by-the-bye, hath done more execution in a sermon, than all that was spoken besides: sometimes also, when I have thought I did no good, then I did the most of all; and at other times, when I thought I should catch them, I have fished for nothing.

288. I have also observed, that where there has been a work to do upon sinners, there the devil hath begun to roar in the hearts and by the mouths of his servants: yea, oftentimes, when the wicked world hath raged most, there hath been souls awakened by the word: I could instance particulars, but I forbear.

289. My great desire in my fulfilling my ministry was to get into the darkest places of the country, even amongst those people that were farthest off of profession; yet not because I could not endure the light (for I feared not to show my gospel to any) but because I found my spirit did lean most after awakening and converting work, and the word that I carried did lean itself most that way also; Yea, so have I strived to preach the gospel, not where Christ was named, lest I should build upon another man’s foundation. Rom. xv. 20.

290. In my preaching I have really been in pain, and have, as it were, travailed to bring forth children to God; neither could I be satisfied unless some fruits did appear in my work. If I were fruitless, it mattered not who commanded me: but if I were fruitful, I cared not who did condemn. I have thought of that: Lo! children are an heritage of the Lord; and the fruit of the womb is His reward.—As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man, so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate. Psalm cxxvii. 3–5.

291. It pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions, if they seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ, and the worth of their own salvation, sound conviction for sin, especially for unbelief, and a heart set on fire to be saved by Christ, with strong breathings after a truly sanctified soul: that it was that delighted me; those were the souls I counted blessed.

292. But in this work, as in all other, I had my temptations attending me, and that of divers kinds; as sometimes I should be assaulted with great discouragement therein, fearing that I should not be able to speak a word at all to edification; nay, that I should not be able to speak sense unto the people; at which times I should have such a strange faintness and strengthlessness seize upon my body, that my legs have scarce been able to carry me to the place of exercise.

293. Sometimes again when I have been preaching, I have been violently assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy, and strongly tempted to speak the words with my mouth before the congregation. I have also at some times, even when I have begun to speak the word with much clearness, evidence, and liberty of speech, yet been, before the ending of that opportunity, so blinded and so estranged from the things I have been speaking, and have been also so straightened in my speech, as to utterance before the people, that I have been as if I had not known, or remembered what I have been about; or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of my exercise.

294. Again, when as sometimes I have been about to preach upon some smart and searching portion of the word, I have found the tempter suggest, What! will you preach this! This condemns yourself; of this your own soul is guilty; wherefore preach not of it at all; or if you do, yet so mince it, as to make way for your own escape; lest instead of awakening others, you lay that guilt upon your own soul, that you will never get from under.

295. But I thank the Lord, I have been kept from consenting to these so horrid suggestions, and have rather, as Sampson, bowed myself with all my might, to condemn sin and transgression, wherever I found it; yea, though therein also I did bring guilt upon my own conscience: Let me die (thought I), with the Philistines, Judges xvi. 29, 30, rather than deal corruptly with the blessed word of God. Thou that teachest another, teachest thou not thyself? It is far better that thou do judge thyself, even by preaching plainly unto others, than that thou, to save thyself, imprison the truth in righteousness. Blessed be God for His help also in this.